On this Christmas morning, do you fret about selecting quite the right gift for a loved one? I always try, but wherever I look I’m bombarded with unhelpful suggestions. No, I have no desire for a scented wax with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we’ll be cooking turkey. Nor do I want a dawn-simulating clock, since opening the blinds achieves the same thing. I certainly do not want a salmon DNA pink collagen jelly mask, because that genetic material originates in milt. Were I seeking fish sperm on my face, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.
Seeking Ideas From the Animal Kingdom
So if you constantly search for inspiration, my advice is: learn from the animal kingdom. Humans didn’t invent gifting. This tradition has existed for at least 100 million years, long before humans appeared. Aided from natural selection, this has given creatures plenty of time to master gift-giving. Indeed, certain arachnids go so far as to wrap their presents!
Leaving out fitness gear and other products I don’t like, there are five main types of Christmas gift: food, things for the home, jewelry, beauty products and clothing. The animal kingdom has them all covered.
Food Gifts: High-Protein Treats to Gourmet Skewers
Brazilian cuckoos offer their mates nutritious morsels including insects, frogs and lizards. However, for those who like their meat skewered, then the great grey shrike, or the butcher bird. The males spear their catch, such as insects and mice, onto pointed thorns and branches crafting artisan kebabs.
Some insects gift their beaus salivary offerings, but these aren’t ordinary globs. These represent scorpionfly spitballs, created from only the finest saliva sourced from swollen salivary glands of the most genetically superior males. The delicacy is nutrient-dense, which is one reason females prefer males with larger gifts.
An additional factor involves the fittest males produce the largest gifts. By "fit" I don’t mean “looks great in a leather jacket”, although they probably do. I refer to “fit” in the genetic sense.
These presents are given as a prelude to sex, thus, by selecting the male with the largest gift, the female is choosing superior genes. She then consumes the gift while mating but ends copulation as soon as it is finished. Bigger spitballs mean extended mating sessions, during which the male transfers additional sperm and the female can’t mate with anyone else. This clarifies why he bothers creating such an intricate present.
Nest-Building and Bling
These Antarctic penguins don’t give food, but they do give nesting materials. On the icy continent, where they live, one cannot find home improvement store, so the penguins must source their gifts from the local landscape. Every mating season, the males gather pebbles and start making their nest. The vital building blocks are rare, prompting some chancers to steal pebbles from nearby nests. But when a male presents a stone to a potential mate, it is a sign his readiness for commitment. Consider it the penguin equivalent of an engagement ring. The stone is not worn, though. If she also is interested, she accepts the pebble and places it to the nest. Subsequently, after a few finishing touches, they are prepared to raise a family.
Speaking of shiny things, corvids are masters in this department. There are many stories of individuals who made friends with wild crows and later received metal caps, fasteners, buttons and various glittering objects. For instance, two people in Florida were once given a diamond bracelet by a crow they fed regularly. This is especially charming since, whereas most animals give presents in the hope of scoring, crows apparently just enjoy giving.
The Pinnacle of Combination Gift: Sea Sponges
Off the coast of Australia, researchers have observed dolphins collecting pieces of sea sponge from the seabed and using them in fascinating manners. Sometimes, when they’re rummaging for fish, they wear the sponges over their rostrum to help protect their sensitive snouts. At other times, when males want to woo females, they don them as playful headwear before presenting them as gifts.
In so doing, dolphins ingeniously merge the last two categories of holiday gifts. Marine sponges are clothing and skincare. And if that’s not enough, when males give their sponge hats away, they frequently adopt a curved “banana pose” and produce a little tune through their blowhole.
This is not the half-arsed giving from pets – like a cat leaving a deceased rodent in a hidden spot – or certain individuals. Dolphin gifts are considerate, serve multiple uses, sustainably sourced and presented with panache. We can all learn for all of us. A popular song may have said all she wants for Christmas “is you”, but if I have one Christmas wish, it is to receive a sponge-hat-skin-protector from a cetacean who serenades me with style.
